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i really should be writing my memorandum right now, but i just can't bring myself to. one more argument and it will be done, but before i do that i just have to get some stuff off my chest.
i feel uncomfortable in my own skin once again. i think i might have dropped my gender (again). i took it off the shelf for a while and i seem to have lost it. well "lost" isn't really the appropriate word. if i'd lost it, i might feel a little better. on the contrary, i've become all too aware of it and its ramifications on my life, both personal and professional.
i do not fit in.
when i signed up for law school i never realized i'd actually be signing up for a second dose of high school with more confusing principles and bigger egos. but here i am, caught in gossip and feeling like i'm the "only queer kid." I know that i'm not and i feel a little better having found a few gay boys to hang out with, but it's bizarre. i'm the only bio-female in my class with short hair and even now i feel the need to buzz it. when i mentioned that i was asked "isn't your hair short enough?" my inner response: who the hell are you to tell me my hair shouldn't be any shorter?!
i went to the worst drag show EVER last weekend. it was sponsored by this suburban gay group (i say gay and not queer, because these people were GUH-ay-GAY with a capital G). It was not cool. The queens were decent, but the "kings" (if you could even call them that) were awful at best and seemed to be making fun of drag rather than embracing it. It was like the "ha ha look at me i've got on fake facial hair" type of performance. I was NOT cool with that. So yeah, somewhere between that and the fact that i seem to have signed myself up for one of the stodgiest professions in the world of careers, i dropped my gender and my sexuality is slip sliding around too.
i think i need to get involved with something totally queer. i started law school thinking that i didn't want to pigeonhole myself into doing "queer" stuff for the rest of my life, but i think i'm coming to the realization that the only time i even begin to feel at peace with myself is when i'm fighting for my rights and helping others fight for theirs.
blah. does anyone have any suggestions about places to intern or get involved with the queer community?Current Mood:  restless Current Music: Mr Brightside - The Killers |
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thanksgiving is over, as are all possible avenues of procrastination short of live journal. i'm about to enter the maelstrom of law school finals. a breakdown of what's left:
3 outlines to finalize for
3 finals (conveniently spread out over three weeks)
2 torts classes
1 contracts class
1 legal writing paper (due this Friday)
and a partridge in a pear tree.
not bad. i'm just about done. the coffee will keep me going. i hope. if i can get an A on this memo then I should wind up with an A- in lawyering skills I. at the least i can get three B+'s to hold onto my scholarship. i'm hoping to do much better than that though. Stupid grade curve. it's mandatory and guarantees that 15% of my class will fail and 10% will get As. In a section of 80...ouch.
i'll be working on my outlines for the rest of the day, i can't really do too much more in terms of my paper and will have to wait until tomorrow when I can get to school (and to the free printers).Current Mood:  working Current Music: kanye west |
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classes aren't over, but i'm set for next semester. i got the classes i wanted, although my friends didn't fare as well. should be interesting next year. |
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so i'm sitting here in a coffeeshop in the hopes of getting something done in terms of work. it's been pretty futile. i've been here since 10:30 and haven't really done a goddamn thing except drink a lot of coffee, download a bunch of crap and glanced at my property homework. yuck.
finals are three weeks away and i'm losing momentum. not cool. alright. game plan and list time:
read E&E chapters 28-31 (433-516)
CALI exercises for two hours.
ready and GO!Current Mood: working Current Music: caring is creepy - the shins |
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the paper is done. i have slept. i'm even feeling good about the prospects for employment today. all in all life is good right now. tonight is mahmudapalooza with my law school section. another party with seventy-five of my closest friends (i'm friendly with about a quarter of them) my contracts prof is going to be there (hence the title of the party). my goal for tonight: avoid getting ridiculously plastered like last time. i'd be happy with a nice buzz.
time to create some new resumes then take some practice exams. woohoo (but not really).Current Mood:  good |
| » new personal mantra: |
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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.
it's been a mantra on and off since college...i feel that as law school gets more hectic it's applicable.
ps-
the cool points go to Ez for id'ing the song so quickly...damn man...what was that, like five minutes after i posted?!
runner up cool points to Ren and Alex too...because well...i'm fond of both of them as well.
Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 10:22 am
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| » i should be briefing... |
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but i'm not. why? because i'm slowly starting to drown in law school (yes ladies and gents, the whole damn thing...all of it) and well, "it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown" (5 million cool points to the first person who tells me what i'm quoting from). So...I'm thinking that maybe a to do list might help me organize:
To Do (for the rest of today):
finish reading and briefing contracts up to page 302
go to contracts class
post-class: meet susan at merchandise mart for tuesday dinner and chat (yay!)
go home
-on train ride read up on property statutes and continue reading contracts 40 pages past wherever we end in class
take car to borders and settle down in cafe to read torts (50 pages)
read and brief 5 cases for memorandum
Begin outlining and writing memorandum
pick up nicolette from the train
go home and go to sleep!
hmm...it doesn't seem too terrible. so that's the plan...now lets see what really happens.
Oct. 25th, 2005 @ 12:40 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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It's finally Friday. Though I have to admit, it's only 10:30 in the morning and I'm already itching for a drink. It's been a long week and the next five and a half hours are just not looking good. I've got a make-up class in property, a two hour exam prep session, followed by another two hour torts class. I love torts, but getting through the first three-and-a-half hours is going to be a real pain in the ass. I forgot my lunch and my money and my stomach is growling. I hope I can grab something to eat before one of the classes. Maybe the Property prof will let us out just a little bit early.
Summary:
I need two things that would make me really happy right now:
a good lunch (preferably in sandwich form)
a good beer (preferably a rich, dark lager)
Hooray for being ruled by my Id.
Oct. 14th, 2005 @ 10:31 am
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| » there's beauty in the breakdown |
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So here I am sitting in one of the many coffee shop chains in Illinois suburbia waiting for Nicolette to come home from class and attempting to rewrite my first law paper. Things are going well here, though I can't help but think to myself that I'm holding back. It's like I'm standing on the edge of something big that I know I can do, but I'm paralyzed by something. My guess would be it's fear of the great unknown, and fear of not measuring up. Two students have dropped out of my program and the professors are getting more hardcore. One student was kicked out of my contracts class for not doing his work and I feel like I'm spending most of my time treading water, barely keeping myself afloat in this sea of information.
I have to say that although I'm confused as hell, at least I can talk the talk. Have you ever felt like an impostor? Given my choice of fairy tale characters to identify with, I feel mildly like the emperor in the emperor's new clothes...i'm just waiting for a professor to call me out and tell me I'm naked. but, i continue to try out for teams and join groups, hoping that i can stumble along. Law school is just a bizarre experience. The profs tell you that you need to find friends in your division (there are four divisions in the first year class) because they are the people that you'll run into for the rest of your professional career, but at the same time, they tell you to watch out for who's not pulling their weight and to pass them. It's almost like being in POW camp. You're supposed to help each other out, but if you've got a shot to get out, to get ahead, you better damned well take it and take it quick. I just wonder what I've gotten myself into, all the while knowing that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
On the positive side, this is the place for me. N and I are doing well. We're both Illinois state residents now, complete with drivers' licenses. By the way, if you ever move to Illinois, know that you have to actually take a written test to get your license. N was a "low-pass" and just barely made it. We don't see each other a lot because of work and school, but the weekends are ours and it's nice to have someone to wake up next to every morning, even if I get out of bed an hour earlier than she does. We're no closer to getting a dog, but I am beginning to wear her down. Neither of us have the time right now, but maybe next year. We'll see. A few people have suggested that we get a cat, but I can't really see us with anything but a dog. I think the fact that I'm in the Animal Law Society and will be working as a court advocate for animals helps.
Alright, it's back to legal memorandum land. I did fairly well on the first draft, but I need to do better. All I want to do is sleep. Thank god my morning Thursday class is cancelled. I'm totally sleeping in (til 6:15! woohoo!)
Oct. 4th, 2005 @ 08:55 pm
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| » ew gross |
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the most annoying person in the world is sitting next to me in the library. He was talking on his cell phone, then he was picking his nose and not in that "i have an itch way" no, no, he was definitely DIGGING (gross) and now to top it all off he's eating a tuna sandwich and i can smell it and i think i might just puke. oh and btw, would it fucking KILL him to chew with his mouth CLOSED so that i can't hear his goddamn lips smacking?! fucker.
Sep. 8th, 2005 @ 04:42 pm
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| » What have you done for me lately? |
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So, I'm in my third week of law school and I've got to say...it's going fairly well. Of my four professors: I love two, can tolerate one, and hate the other with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns. Ok...maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration...but I really don't like the bitch. I've got my first major paper due next Thursday, though I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing with it (the prof has been none too helpful in clarifying what we're supposed to be doing and honestly he looks incredibly bored by all of us), but I think I have enough of a grasp on the info to stumble through it.
Right now I'm sitting in the library, killing time until a club meeting. I'm not sure that I actually want to be in this club (it's the Animal Rights Society), but they're doing a few cool things. My only beef with them is that they seem to be associated with PETA. Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should be testing makeup on fluffy bunnies, but I feel like a lot of PETA's info is biased, overexaggerated and just flat out wrong sometimes. For example: during the club fair, they thrust every pamphlet on the table into my hands (as is the case during most club fairs). One of the pamphlets was about dissection and how cruel it is, which eh...I guess I can somewhat buy, BUT the tidbit that got me was their opinion that "people who like dissection wind up being serial killers." Now that I think might be a little broad and generalized, don't you think? Maybe I'm biased myself because of the work I did with Mary Stange, but honestly, some of PETA's stuff is just ridiculous. They use scare tactics the way anti-choice groups use "the silent scream" propaganda.
So why, you may ask, am I thinking of joining the Animal Rights Society if I'm so Anti-PETA? Because they're actually doing something worhtwhile. One of the members is trying to coordinate a domestic violence shelter with an animal shelter so that people in abusive relationships can leave and feel like they have somewhere to take their pet. Two fields that are right up my alley. I'm thinking of suggesting foster options too so that if the shelters don't have the space perhaps they can set up a foster program specifically for these animals.
In other news, (yes, I actually do have a life outside of law school, albeit, a very very limited one) I am loving this whole no more long distance thing. N and I have been reading Harry Potter together at night (we're almost finished!) and I'm really enjoying playing house. The funny thing is though, it's not play...it's like...for real. How cool is that? :) The city is wonderful and I have never been happier. My parents visited us two weeks ago and bought us a kitchen table and chairs (woohoo for having someplace to eat), and even (gasp) liked the apartment. I'm seriously loving life.
My only wish right now is for more sleep. I've been on the train every morning by ten to seven and it's starting to wear on me. At least the weekend is on its way.
In any case, I guess I should attempt to start the paper I've got to do for next week so I'll be off for now. I was hoping to update a few times a week, but I've only got internet access at school and when I'm here I'm either in class or in a study group, but I will attempt to write more often...
PS...does anyone know how to change the mood icons to something completely different from the options they have?
Sep. 8th, 2005 @ 03:56 pm
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| » first day |
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The first day of law school is over. I had one class, Lawyering Skills 1 (yes, Skiddies...another first semester with an LS1 course), which is the "How to be a lawyer" course. Blah. I stood in a lot of lines, waited around a lot, and still haven't brought myself to eat all of my lunch. I seem to be minorly paralyzed lately. I'm stuck, unable to get myself up to get on the bus, or to find out how to print a document, to go to class. It's not laziness or ignorance (on the contrary, I can tell you where my classes will be held and with whom and what their office hours are, as well as when the nex PACE bus is coming) but, it's nerves. I am so nervous and anxious about absolutely EVERYTHING, i'm in a perpetual state of shaking anticipation without motion. It's terrible. I am a bundle of nerves and feel like I'm going to throw up any second.
On a positive note, I am kicking myself in the ass enough to move and getting myself to places on time, rather, earlier than anyone needs to be. For instance, I arrived at the school at 9:30 this morning even though my first class wasn't until 2 pm. I arrived at that class at 1:25 pm. So really, it's just a matter of taking that first deep breath and continuing with enough momentum to actually stand up. My homework is done for the next day, although I still have to print out my briefs for tomorrow (which requires figuring out HOW to print...something I have yet to master) and I should also review all of the work for the fifth time. Just a note, you're apparently supposed to read cases 5-7 times for law school (or at least that's what my property prof wants...again, blah).
I'm excited by law school, and I'm really glad to be back in a learning environment. I'm just nervous as all hell and extremely scared of failure. I will survive. I will survive. I will survive, and thrive and even, as my friend Lex put it "kick some ass hardcore gina-style".
Oh, and a note to all my buddies back at Bard, hope everything is going well. For you PCs out there, hope training/L&T is going well and that your residents are everything you dreamed they'd be (or wouldn't be as the case may...um..be) For the rest of you, behave yourselves and make me proud. Oh, and btw, does anyone know if I can get a copy of the Operation Freefall 2005 Documentary? If so, how????
Until next time, I solemnly swear that I will continue to breathe, get to my classes on time, and give myself the necessary kicks in the ass.
Aug. 22nd, 2005 @ 04:00 pm
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| » law school...woof. |
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whoa. orientation just ended and i am ready and pumped and so nervous about classes that i'm usually on the verge of crying or puking. but, all things considered, i think i can do this. :) i spent about 9 million on books, and have a lot to read and write before classes start monday but i'm feeling ok. i have met a few people that i can see myself talking to and working with and oddly enough, they're all the people who have to commute in and are just now returning to school after working for a while. :) i'm in good company. the commute in is nothing and i already feel like a pro, although i did have my first "running like a madwoman to catch the train" experience this morning. That was fun. no, really, it was...gets the blood pumping (insert eye roll here).
i miss some of my kids and coworkers at bard, and lord knows i miss my family and friends back on the east coast, but things are working out. nicolette is fabulous and i really like being able to crawl into bed with her every night and wake up with her every morning. it really makes all the difference in the world. although we do have the crankiest toddler in the world living above us. sometimes, nicolette and i speculate about whether the mother is just playing a rousing game of "kick the baby" over our heads. ;)
Aug. 18th, 2005 @ 02:30 pm
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| » on moving, teenagers, and quitting ny |
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I've decided to quit NY. Ok, not the whole state...just Bard. I quit Bard. I quit moving, I quit packing, I quit my apartment, and most of all I quit Res Life. Seriously. Right now I'm not technically working for Res Life, I'm working for Dutchess County's Summer Scholars program, but Res Life doesn't seem to get that. I've got a coworker telling me I need to be out of my apartment asap (even though I've got until the end of the month...and who the hell is he to tell me I need to get out anyway?!), a boss telling me I still have stuff to do (basic clerical stuff that wasn't my job to begin with), and then there's just the regular ho humness of reslife waiting to be taken care. God bless the woman who's replacing me and i wish her luck dealing with backwards men who don't realize that not everyone with a uterus is a fucking secretary. I am so through with this place it's not even funny. And yet, there's still crap in my apartment.
I'd be over there right now moving everything out, but I'm busy with my other job...Summer Scholars. Thirty of Dutchess County's brightest rising eleventh and twelfth graders come to Bard to study Frankenstein for two weeks. They're good kids for the most part. There are a couple of smartasses, but that's to be expected and they're harmless. I'm with a third of them right now at the Computer Lab, so at least I've got access to email. Now to kill another hour in front of the computer. I think I'm going to go to the gym next time; the thought of sitting in front of a computer for another hour is draining.
There is one thing that astounds me about these kids (besides the fact that they were born in 1989 and I feel old), they never seem to stop going. They go to bed at around 1 and are up by 6. I'm exhausted now. Again, I feel old.
In other news, I miss Nicolette like crazy. There's been some major family drama lately (some of which some of you know about), and between the our work schedules we haven't spoken more than twenty minutes for the past two weeks. When we do talk, it's often about our families and it's rare that we joke around. Although we do joke about how we'd long to be fighting over real estate again. Speaking of real estate, we have yet to find a place to live, so it'll be another whirlwind tour when I get back out to Illinois.
Alright...enough of that...here's the breakdown for the next few weeks:
Now-July 8: Summer Scholars (30 kids, from 3 pm - 9 am everyday)
July 9 am: Drive down to jersey in a uhaul with everything I own that's still in NY
July 9 pm: Drive back up to NY to drop off the uhaul and pick up my car and drive back down to NJ
July 10: Mom's birthday (god...I hope I don't still have to plan a surprise party)
July 11: Leave for Chicago
July 12: Arrive in Chicago
July 13: Hopefully ABF will arrive to pick up my stuff
July 15: My parents fly out to Chicago to look for real estate with me (my stuff arrives to be put in storage)
July 25: Hopefully we'll have a place we're working on closing
August 11: Birthday...woo.
August 15 - 18: Law School Orientation
August 22: Law School starts
Somewhere in all of that I'm hoping to read the nine gazillion law books I have and (maybe) I'll even get a chance to look at the new Harry Potter. Who knows, if I'm lucky I might even be able to talk to my girlfriend at some point.
Jun. 27th, 2005 @ 04:20 pm
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| » we'll all float on ok |
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i just got a shipment of books to read before law school. nine total. i've got quite a bit of reading ahead of me, but as daunting as it seems...i'm nervous and excited. i had a sort of pavlovian reaction to the con law books and tried to hide my giddyness from my coworkers who think i'm a little crazy for wanting to read it all.
i'm currently reading planet law school. i highly recommend it to anyone considering law school. it seems a lot better than the other books i've read and is giving a very blunt picture without getting too scary.
so, in a nutshell: i'm the biggest dork in the world and can't wait to crack open that civil procedure book and start taking notes.
May. 13th, 2005 @ 01:03 pm
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| » interview |
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An interview meme from taxishoes:
1. Where do you see yourself in ten years? Practicing some sort of law (preferably elder law focusing on the needs of the queer community), hopefully back on the east coast (probably still in Chicago). Happily married with hmm...in ten years I'll be 34...children, or foster children, or really cool dogs that I treat like children.
2. What's your favorite food? I am a sandwich connoisseur. Give me a good sandwich and I'm completely happy.
3. What was your original impetus for claiming the label 'butch'? It all started my sophomore year of college when I cut my hair and went into a full on gender freakout. Things became a little clearer while I was studying abroad in Amsterdam the following semester. I started doing drag, read up on the butch-femme culture and found my niche. Then after taking N out while I was all spiffed up in a suit (she was wearing a beautiful black dress) and guiding her through the door with my hand on the small of her back...I was home in my own body.
4. Tell me the story of how you met your fiancee. We actually met in high school. She's a year older than me and we were both in the band. She had a boyfriend at the time and I was "straight". We became closer and right before she left for college, she told me she had a crush on me (but still had a boyfriend). A few weeks later we hooked up and started an on-again-off-again relationship interspersed with much dyke drama, jealous boyfriends, jealous lesbians, bad poetry, mixes that I poured my heart into, and periods of not speaking to each other. We finally got our act together January of my sophomore year (more than 2 years after our initial encounter) and have been together ever since.
5. If 20 ninjas fought 20 pirates, who would win? Ninjas, duh. Ninjas almost never die, unless they're fighting other ninjas. The pirates would be way too busy getting drunk and singing sea shanties to even see the ninjas coming. However, this battle would totally swing the other way if the pirates were like the pirates of the caribbean...in which case, no dead pirates...just wet ninjas.
1) Leave a comment asking to be interviewed
2) I will reply with questions
3) Answer those questions in a post much like this one
4) Leave instructions for people to do the same in your entry
May. 6th, 2005 @ 11:24 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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i watched my skydiving dvd last night and relived the whole thing. it was so cool. i, on the other hand, am not.
May. 4th, 2005 @ 08:48 am
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| » grr...neocons... |
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After twice rejecting UCC’s ad, ABC airs ‘Focus on the Family’ commercial
By J. Bennett Guess
News Director
May 3, 2005
The communication director of the 1.3-million-member United Church of Christ is questioning a decision by ABC television to allow James Dobson’s Focus on the Family to air two commercials during the network’s season finale of “Supernanny” on May 2.
In an Associated Press story (May 2), Focus on the Family’s president and CEO, Jim Daly, said the spots were an attempt by his organization to offer “faith-based” advice on parenting, despite the fact that ABC executives have twice denied recent similar requests by the UCC to purchase network time as part of its national advertising campaign.
“Focus on the Family is clearly a religious organization,” the Rev. Robert Chase, director of the UCC’s communication ministry, told United Church News. “Here’s yet another illustration of how a particular narrow agenda makes up the rules as they go along, while another religious viewpoint cannot even purchase time on the people’s airwaves to proclaim an all-inclusive message.”
In December and March, the three major networks denied a purchasing request by the Cleveland-based UCC. NBC and CBS rejected the UCC’s 30-second ads as “too controversial.” ABC, however, sidestepped the fray by maintaining that it has a blanket policy against all religious advertising.
“Why are the network executives so willing to bow to this narrow agenda of the religious right?” Chase said. “Why is one religious viewpoint continually accommodated by the network elites?”
“Focus on the Family may be using a non-sectarian come-on, but what kind of assurances can ABC provide that Focus on the Family’s follow-up literature is respectful of all faiths, respectful of non-traditional families, respectful of the one million kids that have same-sex couples as parents?”
The apparent hole in ABC’s advertising policy has not been lost on internet blogs. Below are a few recent posts:
Media Matters: Is ABC providing airtime to Focus on the Family after denying it to United Church of Christ?
mediamatters.org
Talking Points Memo: You may recall
www.talkingpointsmemo.com
AmericaBlog: ABC accepts ad from Focus on Family after rejecting gay-friendly Christian Church
www.americablog.org/
May. 3rd, 2005 @ 03:40 pm
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| » i jumped out of a plane yesterday... |
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...and it was awesome. I was a little worried when I woke up yesterday morning because I was pretty sure the jump would be postponed once again, but the folks at Skydive the Ranch assured us it wasn't raining there. So off my coworkers and I went to Gardiner, NY where we sat and sat and sat and waited for the weather window to open up so that we could fling ourselves out of a plane into the wild blue yonder. We were scheduled to jump at 9 am, but wound up finally jumping at 2 pm. After watching a video, going through a five-minute instructional talk, and signing about 8 pages worth of waivers which basically said, "You're the fool who has decided to jump out of a plane, and by signing this paper you (and your heirs) agree not to sue our asses if anything goes wrong."
In the plane: So they give you this little altimeter and the entire plane ride up I kept watching it rise and rise and rise until we got to about 14,000 feet. That's a little less than two and a half miles. Woof. I was the second jumper in the plane so I got to watch four of my coworkers throw themselves into the air. Then I was up and working my way up to the door with a guy (the tandem master) strapped to my back. They told me to look at the camera and as I smiled pretty, we jumped.
Freefall: You freefall for about 30 seconds or so. During most of this I was trying hard to keep breathing while screaming "ROCK ON" (why? because I'm a huge dork). The whole time you're falling there's this camera guy about a foot away from your face while the tandem master is telling you to do funny things and ham it up for the camera. I remind you that I was FALLING OUT OF A PLANE...so I wasn't totally able to think of something funny to do. Then the next thing I knew, the ripcord was pulled and we were
Floating down to earth: and the scenery was breathtaking. I could see the river, farmland, everything. It was so quiet and cool and peaceful just floating there above the earth. After another minute, I was on the ground landing.
awesome.
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 01:41 pm
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| » meme thing cuz now i don't know what to do with myself.... |
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"The room smells too, the air is close, they should open a window." (Handmaid's Tale--Margaret Atwood)
1. Grab the nearest book.
2.Open the book to page 123
3.Find the fifth sentence.
4.Post the sentence in your weblog journal or website along with these instructions
5.Don't search around for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually closest to you.
Apr. 30th, 2005 @ 07:56 am
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