i really should be writing my memorandum right now, but i just can't bring myself to. one more argument and it will be done, but before i do that i just have to get some stuff off my chest.
i feel uncomfortable in my own skin once again. i think i might have dropped my gender (again). i took it off the shelf for a while and i seem to have lost it. well "lost" isn't really the appropriate word. if i'd lost it, i might feel a little better. on the contrary, i've become all too aware of it and its ramifications on my life, both personal and professional.
i do not fit in.
when i signed up for law school i never realized i'd actually be signing up for a second dose of high school with more confusing principles and bigger egos. but here i am, caught in gossip and feeling like i'm the "only queer kid." I know that i'm not and i feel a little better having found a few gay boys to hang out with, but it's bizarre. i'm the only bio-female in my class with short hair and even now i feel the need to buzz it. when i mentioned that i was asked "isn't your hair short enough?" my inner response: who the hell are you to tell me my hair shouldn't be any shorter?!
i went to the worst drag show EVER last weekend. it was sponsored by this suburban gay group (i say gay and not queer, because these people were GUH-ay-GAY with a capital G). It was not cool. The queens were decent, but the "kings" (if you could even call them that) were awful at best and seemed to be making fun of drag rather than embracing it. It was like the "ha ha look at me i've got on fake facial hair" type of performance. I was NOT cool with that. So yeah, somewhere between that and the fact that i seem to have signed myself up for one of the stodgiest professions in the world of careers, i dropped my gender and my sexuality is slip sliding around too.
i think i need to get involved with something totally queer. i started law school thinking that i didn't want to pigeonhole myself into doing "queer" stuff for the rest of my life, but i think i'm coming to the realization that the only time i even begin to feel at peace with myself is when i'm fighting for my rights and helping others fight for theirs.
blah. does anyone have any suggestions about places to intern or get involved with the queer community?
Current Music: Mr Brightside - The Killers
thanksgiving is over, as are all possible avenues of procrastination short of live journal. i'm about to enter the maelstrom of law school finals. a breakdown of what's left:
3 outlines to finalize for
3 finals (conveniently spread out over three weeks)
2 torts classes
1 contracts class
1 legal writing paper (due this Friday)
and a partridge in a pear tree.
not bad. i'm just about done. the coffee will keep me going. i hope. if i can get an A on this memo then I should wind up with an A- in lawyering skills I. at the least i can get three B+'s to hold onto my scholarship. i'm hoping to do much better than that though. Stupid grade curve. it's mandatory and guarantees that 15% of my class will fail and 10% will get As. In a section of 80...ouch.
i'll be working on my outlines for the rest of the day, i can't really do too much more in terms of my paper and will have to wait until tomorrow when I can get to school (and to the free printers).
Current Music: kanye west
classes aren't over, but i'm set for next semester. i got the classes i wanted, although my friends didn't fare as well. should be interesting next year.
so i'm sitting here in a coffeeshop in the hopes of getting something done in terms of work. it's been pretty futile. i've been here since 10:30 and haven't really done a goddamn thing except drink a lot of coffee, download a bunch of crap and glanced at my property homework. yuck.
finals are three weeks away and i'm losing momentum. not cool. alright. game plan and list time:
read E&E chapters 28-31 (433-516)
CALI exercises for two hours.
ready and GO!
Current Music: caring is creepy - the shins
the paper is done. i have slept. i'm even feeling good about the prospects for employment today. all in all life is good right now. tonight is mahmudapalooza with my law school section. another party with seventy-five of my closest friends (i'm friendly with about a quarter of them) my contracts prof is going to be there (hence the title of the party). my goal for tonight: avoid getting ridiculously plastered like last time. i'd be happy with a nice buzz.
time to create some new resumes then take some practice exams. woohoo (but not really).
|» new personal mantra:|
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.|
it's been a mantra on and off since college...i feel that as law school gets more hectic it's applicable.
the cool points go to Ez for id'ing the song so quickly...damn man...what was that, like five minutes after i posted?!
runner up cool points to Ren and Alex too...because well...i'm fond of both of them as well.
|» i should be briefing...|
but i'm not. why? because i'm slowly starting to drown in law school (yes ladies and gents, the whole damn thing...all of it) and well, "it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown" (5 million cool points to the first person who tells me what i'm quoting from). So...I'm thinking that maybe a to do list might help me organize:|
To Do (for the rest of today):
finish reading and briefing contracts up to page 302
go to contracts class
post-class: meet susan at merchandise mart for tuesday dinner and chat (yay!)
-on train ride read up on property statutes and continue reading contracts 40 pages past wherever we end in class
take car to borders and settle down in cafe to read torts (50 pages)
read and brief 5 cases for memorandum
Begin outlining and writing memorandum
pick up nicolette from the train
go home and go to sleep!
hmm...it doesn't seem too terrible. so that's the plan...now lets see what really happens.
|» (No Subject)|
It's finally Friday. Though I have to admit, it's only 10:30 in the morning and I'm already itching for a drink. It's been a long week and the next five and a half hours are just not looking good. I've got a make-up class in property, a two hour exam prep session, followed by another two hour torts class. I love torts, but getting through the first three-and-a-half hours is going to be a real pain in the ass. I forgot my lunch and my money and my stomach is growling. I hope I can grab something to eat before one of the classes. Maybe the Property prof will let us out just a little bit early.|
I need two things that would make me really happy right now:
a good lunch (preferably in sandwich form)
a good beer (preferably a rich, dark lager)
Hooray for being ruled by my Id.
|» there's beauty in the breakdown|
So here I am sitting in one of the many coffee shop chains in Illinois suburbia waiting for Nicolette to come home from class and attempting to rewrite my first law paper. Things are going well here, though I can't help but think to myself that I'm holding back. It's like I'm standing on the edge of something big that I know I can do, but I'm paralyzed by something. My guess would be it's fear of the great unknown, and fear of not measuring up. Two students have dropped out of my program and the professors are getting more hardcore. One student was kicked out of my contracts class for not doing his work and I feel like I'm spending most of my time treading water, barely keeping myself afloat in this sea of information. |
I have to say that although I'm confused as hell, at least I can talk the talk. Have you ever felt like an impostor? Given my choice of fairy tale characters to identify with, I feel mildly like the emperor in the emperor's new clothes...i'm just waiting for a professor to call me out and tell me I'm naked. but, i continue to try out for teams and join groups, hoping that i can stumble along. Law school is just a bizarre experience. The profs tell you that you need to find friends in your division (there are four divisions in the first year class) because they are the people that you'll run into for the rest of your professional career, but at the same time, they tell you to watch out for who's not pulling their weight and to pass them. It's almost like being in POW camp. You're supposed to help each other out, but if you've got a shot to get out, to get ahead, you better damned well take it and take it quick. I just wonder what I've gotten myself into, all the while knowing that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
On the positive side, this is the place for me. N and I are doing well. We're both Illinois state residents now, complete with drivers' licenses. By the way, if you ever move to Illinois, know that you have to actually take a written test to get your license. N was a "low-pass" and just barely made it. We don't see each other a lot because of work and school, but the weekends are ours and it's nice to have someone to wake up next to every morning, even if I get out of bed an hour earlier than she does. We're no closer to getting a dog, but I am beginning to wear her down. Neither of us have the time right now, but maybe next year. We'll see. A few people have suggested that we get a cat, but I can't really see us with anything but a dog. I think the fact that I'm in the Animal Law Society and will be working as a court advocate for animals helps.
Alright, it's back to legal memorandum land. I did fairly well on the first draft, but I need to do better. All I want to do is sleep. Thank god my morning Thursday class is cancelled. I'm totally sleeping in (til 6:15! woohoo!)
|» ew gross|
the most annoying person in the world is sitting next to me in the library. He was talking on his cell phone, then he was picking his nose and not in that "i have an itch way" no, no, he was definitely DIGGING (gross) and now to top it all off he's eating a tuna sandwich and i can smell it and i think i might just puke. oh and btw, would it fucking KILL him to chew with his mouth CLOSED so that i can't hear his goddamn lips smacking?! fucker.|